Saturday, August 22, 2009

A Little Bit of Ugly

Funny thing Synchronicity! I wonder about it all the time, my life is so full of little synchronicties.

For instance; I've been doing an online workshop, Vision Journaling, with True North Arts led by Kathryn Antyr the Collage Diva. There have been many synchronistic miracles for me since delving into that workshop on envisioning your dreams. Here's just one. It's week five and Kathryn sent us the Wayne Dyer's, Excuses Begone affirmations from his site. She put them on ATC sized cards and posted them on the workshop website. So, I accidentally came across that deck of cards that I have been working on. I only saved the unattractive little things because somewhere along my rambling travels on the Internet, I found a lady talking about how you should make something ugly everyday. So, anyway as I worked with these cards trying new techniques and working with new materials I managed to make lots of ugly things. I would love to give that lady credit because as I made my little displeasing cards I thought of her and kept forging ahead. She has been a wonderful taskmaster for me and has made me think keenly about my art. She's made me see art as an expression not just something pretty and these little cards certainly are not. But it just so happens there are exactly the right amount of cards for Wayne Dyer's affirmations........funny how that works. I went to work gluing down each affirmation on to the little uglies and now, the affirmations really do feel like they are mine!

Monday, August 17, 2009

"Dominion" and "The Stories I Tell Myself"

I just did my morning Tarot reading and was thinking as I shuffled.

But first I have to tell you this;

In the back of my mind I've been formulating a theme for writing about myself on this journey. Something to go with the life timeline I'm creating to add details of different times and thoughts. I was thinking about calling it “The Stories I Tell Myself”. It's from something I read on the internet, got from one of my online groups or someone's blog or a website I'd been looking at. Or it could even be from something I've been reading recently. It's about what we tell ourselves so we don't have to accomplish the goal or succeed. Possibility from Wayne Dyer's Excuses Begone. Anyway, I thought that it would be fun to start a separate journal entry about “The Stories I Tell Myself”.

Well, back to the tarot reading........while shuffling I was thinking about a commitment I had made to one of my spark teams, possibly, Inner Journey, about meaningful eating, just the night before, I'm talking hours here. That night I wrote to my team about how I would concentrate on meaningful eating of my meals by lighting candles, using special dishes and playing soft music.

Within an hour of making that commitment I took my bowl of soup to the TV room and sat down and ate that entire bowl of soup in a semi-trance.

OK! Back to Tarot.....Shuffling. Here's the “story” I was telling myself when I realized that I had completely forgotten about my team promise..............

If I had my own house I could do all that.

If I didn't have a room mate I could do that, because it would be an inconvenience to her for me to do all that.

If I was home every night (I'm a caregiver for the elderly and work 72 hour shifts) I could do all that.

Then as I started listening to the stories, I realized, I need to find a way of making my meals meaningful no matter where I am, and that I need to listen to these stories I tell myself because there's a real message there......very interesting!

OK! Now, the reading!

The Dominion card in the soul position, reversed. That's the 2 of wands, and reversed means there's a block or resistance to the idea of the card.

This is the dictionary's meaning for dominion:

1. Control or the exercise of control; sovereignty: "The devil . . . has their souls in his possession, and under his dominion" (Jonathan Edwards).

2. A territory or sphere of influence or control; a realm.

3. often Dominion Abbr. Dom. One of the self-governing nations within the British Commonwealth.

4. dominions Christianity See domination

That's exactly what I meant when I was going over all the stories I tell myself, thinking about having my “OWN” house and “room mate”, not being in control to choose whatever I want.

This is what the tarot handbook said about my card, Dominion; “Spiritual Sovereignty, Power” - This is a state of integration and optimum balance. This is Mars in Aries; Mars shows dynamic forcefulness, energy, charge and direction, but only from a place of full power, dominion and balance (the two wands that are unified). When a person is drawn toward this card it is an indication of powerful spiritual force and drive to begin something new, to be a pioneer. There are gifts of dynamic energy and leadership ability to be expressed.

Now I took that to mean; I have the power! I can do it the way I want. After all I'm not really asking for that much. May be I won't light candles or listen to soft music and I'll just use the plates and dishes that are available at the moment. I can certainly eat with silent meaningfulness, no matter what.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Releasing Past Decision Guilt

I'm trying something new. I'm sending my thoughts out into the universe. I'm releasing old useless stuff from my energy field, and sending it to the universe to be transformed into good, positive and empowering energy. From this day forward I am not going to feel guilty for having lived my life the way I did. There were good and bad reasons for the decisions that were made and I may or may not get to the bottom of all those reasons, it's enough I have thought of them.

I do hereby release all the guilt feelings entangled in those decisions and promise to stop and mindfully make new decisions while in a conscious mindset. I do hereby relinquish all anger and hurt feelings to their rightful owners. I am no longer willing to carry that burden. I forgive everyone involved, especially myself.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Now What?

I hope that what I'm about to write will make sense to all of you. But even if it doesn't, I'm writing it anyway. I've been thinking so much, lately, about my future. Mainly because my kids are grown, I'm single, soon to be out of debt and feeling unsettled. So I have some decisions to make. I felt kinda unstable during the second Saturn return so didn't want to make any big decisions and now that's all done.
Now though, I feel it's time. I started art journaling recently. Something my therapist of old would have been so happy about because for years she tried to get me to write down my feelings. I guess I just wasn't ready..I am now. All this journaling is making me wonder what my purpose is. I've done a lot of reading and feel comfortable that this wondering, is part of, what I choose to call, crone hood, which by the way I am enjoying. Getting a little respect, bout time!
Anyway, from where I'm sitting, down the path at about 60, give or take. You know, you can really see a lot from here! I decided to make, write down, draw, paint, whatever, a life timeline to help me remember first but also to honor and affirm some of the landmarks of my life, because right now it's just a blur. I think I deserve that.
So I got a couple of ideas from some of my friends, also from some good people online and in groups and from my favorite authors. I love SoulCollage and some of the ladies who belong to the SoulCollage Playground have made "Decade Cards". A way of honoring each decade through collage. I also read an excerpt from Joan Anderson's book, A Weekend to Change Your Life: Find Your Authentic Self After A Lifetime of Being All Things to All People. Now, I know a lot of you ladies out there, who are sitting close to me, out there on that path, are thinking that book title sounds uncomfortably familiar. But hear me out, Anderson brings up the same idea of, "honoring each ten year period so we aren't just aging but rather honoring and affirming life's progress". And of course, reading anything by Angeles Arrien will make you think long and hard about what has heart and meaning in your life. Last, but not least a couple of dear friendships I've developed on Facebook with people that I very much admire have helped me see things from new and fresh perspectives. Oh! Yes! All of the above AND... doing my affirmations everyday, like clockwork!
So, as you can see, I have all these ideas and all these images floating around in my head. I need to capture all of it and make sense of it all. That is why I have decided to make a timeline of my life....... I'll keep you posted.